COMPANY SAYS GLASSES WITH RED LENS ONLY WILL HELP MEN WHO EXPERIENCE BLUE-TINGED VISION SIDE EFFECT
“They already see blue, so they don’t need the blue lens to see in 3-D.”
Pfizer spokesman Cleo Stiffle
A national airport association announced today that Al-Queda is attempting to acquire leases for shops inside major airports around the country. ”Their application said they intend to sell magazines, gum and specially-designed shoes to airline passengers. It might work–no one is currently selling shoes at the airport,” said Escott DeLaGwidd, the president of the National Airport Executives’ Association.
The National Optometric Association announced today that actor Zach Galifianakis’s last name will replace the current eye test chart hanging on the walls of eye doctor offices across the country. ”Patients were bored with lines like LPEDCEPFDZ and so on,” said NOA spokesman Dr. Merlo Wong. ”This will be a welcome change.”
The NOA declined to reveal how much Galifianakis will be paid, but Wong said the actor will also receive two-for-one frames and free lens cleaning cloths for the life of the contract.
N.J. GOVERNOR VOWS TO FIND OUT “ONCE AND FOR ALL” WHICH OF HIS STAFFERS WERE INVOLVED IN BRIDGE SCANDAL
Photo reportedly shows NJ Gov. Chris Christie in disguise he’ll wear for Undercover Boss appearance
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will appear in disguise on an upcoming episode of the television show Undercover Boss, according to a state staff member who requested anonymity. ”He wants to find out who all was involved in the bridge thing,” said the staffer, referring to the September closure–reportedly for political retaliation–of several lanes of the George Washington Bridge. The source also provided a photograph of the disguise Christie will wear on the show. ”Oh yeah…no one will ever know it’s him,” said the source, rolling his eyes.
“I was better,” says the 1987 Robocop
Since its release, the motion picture Robocop 2014 has garnered mostly positive reviews from moviegoers and critics. But not from the original Robocop. ”I didn’t care for the new movie,” said the graying Robocop, star of the 1987 picture, as he sorted through a box of yellowed newspaper reviews. ”This new kid is okay, but the movie relies too much on special effects, too much razzle-dazzle stuff for me.” The elder Robocop is long-retired from the force and enjoys spending time making wooden birdhouses and RV travel.
NORTH KOREAN FLASH MOB SENTENCED TO 50 YEARS HARD LABOR FOR PERFORMING PUT ON A HAPPY FACE.
FORMER VP DICK CHENEY TO UNDERGO SURGERY AFTER DOCTORS DISCOVER THEY INADVERTENTLY IMPLANTED A SMOKE DETECTOR INSTEAD OF A PACEMAKER “I couldn’t figure out why every time Lynne burned the toast a horn would go off in my chest,” said the former Vice-President
EXERCISE PHYSIOLOGISTS RELUCTANTLY ADMIT THAT SPINNING AROUND ON A BAR STOOL IS A BETTER WORKOUT THAN DOING NOTHING AT ALL
One inch Keystone XL pipeline shown here will deliver one gallon of crude oil a day
A compromise that will shrink the long-delayed Keystone XL oil pipeline from three-feet in diameter to one inch has led to a green light for the project. President Obama, who described the agreement as a “win for everyone,” confirmed today he will approve construction of the 850-mile-long pipe.
“The oil company gets their pipeline and even environmentalists are pleased,” said beaming White House spokesman Corky Velarde. However, TransCanada, the company that will operate the pipeline, expressed disappointment with the agreement. ”Jesus Murphy, a 36-
TransCanada representative Maury Caloofka expressed disappointment with the agreement
inch pipeline would have moved 830,000 barrels a day!” bristled TransCanada spokesman Maury Caloofka. ” We’ll be lucky to get a gallon a day through this measly pipe, eh!” He also predicted the decision would lead to more Justin Bieber-type egging incidents.
Police say a lone suspect escaped with dozens of “Next Window Please” placards during a tense bank robbery yesterday. “The bank was filled with customers,” said First Insolvent Bank manager Libra-Fawn Medved. “He grabbed a stapler off a desk and threatened to staple everyone if we didn’t lie on the floor. It was horrible,” she cried, adding, “The floor was icky and dirty.”
Police are searching for this suspect
“We’re very lucky that no one was stapled,” said police spokesman Sgt. Castor Nitts. “He was brandishing a Swingline 747 High Capacity stapler with a full clip–it could have really been tragic.” Police appealed for the public’s help in solving the robbery. “We’re asking anyone to call us immediately if they see “Next Window Please” signs advertised on craigslist,” said Nitts.
Major Tom floats by space station window
Astronauts aboard the International Space Station said they were shocked this morning to discover the body of Major Tom drifting by outside their window.
Russian cosmonaut Aleksander Petrok, who first noticed Tom going by, said the incident was unsettling. ”Я подумал, что это было прямое спутниковое телевидение, пролетавший,” Petrok said softly, shaking his head. After being advised that no one had a clue what he had just said, he replied, ”Sorry. I was surprised when I saw him, although at first, I thought he was the DirecTV satellite going by again.”
During his last radio transmission before disappearing in 1969 , Tom requested that flight controllers, ”Tell my wife I love her very much.” Controllers relayed the message to his wife Tachia, and she reportedly nodded and said, “I know.”
The National Security Administration acknowledged today that its huge database has become “completely inundated” by hundreds of millions of “sexting” photographs of former congressman Anthony Weiner. ”It’s an unintended consequence of the NSA collecting billions of cell phone records every day,” said private security expert Guillermo Therp.
NSA spokesman Darby Bobby Garber acknowledged the problem has had a detrimental effect on the agency’s productivity. ”Our files are overwhelmed with photos of this guy. We’ve had to stop everything else and assign dozens of agents to nothing but purging Weiner pictures.”
For more than 40 years, Gideon Sunderfirk plied his trade as a circus contortionist, which made his recent death all the more memorable as he became the first person to ever kiss his own ass goodbye.
“It was an extraordinary exit for an extraordinary man,” said Sunderfirk’s longtime friend Virgil Crampa, who acknowledged that, in addition to baked beans and short women with nose rings, he’s very fond of the word “extraordinary.”
Yesterday, as Sunderfirk lay in his hospital bed gasping his last breaths, family and friends said the unconscious man suddenly sat straight up and then buried his face between his legs. “I knew immediately what he was doing. He was kissing his ass goodbye,” explained Crampa. Sunderfirk died moments later. ”It was extraordinary,” Crampa added.